First one is over

So… I went for coffee with someone from the Internet

Dealbreakers: smoker (trying to quit), no college degree, not exactly a stable job. Lives with a friend (in the friend’s condo). Hasn’t worked since December (injury, then got a staph infection…), and I think I saw a diabetic bracelet.

Pros: nice guy, lives in my area, contacted me (and sent me a virtual rose, to boot), Jewish.

Most inappropriate part of the conversation…

He: I don’t know if I really want an intimate relationship at this time. In fact, I don’t know if I can even have one right now.

D’ya think I needed to hear that on the first encounter?

This is why I stayed married for 30 years…

Observations: online dating

Some more observations.

I am just not as trusting as I thought I was. I get these winks on Match.com, and I just don’t believe that people are for real. Really not for real. I wish that I could find out if photos have been posted elsewhere on the web; sort of a search engine in reverse.

I don’t feel like I’m really getting what I paid for. Maybe it’s my age, maybe it’s the mentality of online dating. I think the problem is that people are just browsing more than “shopping,” know what I mean? I know that I do it; I look at profiles and think, “well, he would be good,” but I don’t always do anything about it. And when I have I get nothing in return; no winks, no emails.

I’m still not comfortable with how superficial it all is, for the most part. I still would rather meet someone standing in line at Jewel (do you know that I’ve stopped using the self check out for that very reason? Instead of looking at which line is the shortest, I gauge which has the most potential…).

Having said that, I do like two free online dating sites. Now, the problem with free is what the problem with free has always been. There is a certain weeding out that happens when you charge. But the fact that JDate and Match charge doesn’t really help, because all online dating sites have a free component where you can see and be seen. So, when you’re looking at profiles you don’t know if those people are paid members or not anyway. So, when my memberships are up at JDate and Match I think I may drop them, and focus on two sites that I like and that have been pretty good for meeting new people:

Plenty of Fish: The interface isn’t exactly elegant, but I’ve connected with a lot of men. I’m having coffee with one tonight and another one has given me his phone number.

OKCupid: This one is unique, and I like it. I feel like it’s more interesting; the questions are different, and the interface is lovely. If they go “pro” with a nominal monthly membership I may even go for it. I’ve connected with several interesting men in the short time I’ve been on it.

Have a great week!

Call the anxiety police…

Should I be upset that a user named “likebiggals” viewed my profile?

Should I be happy that he didn’t wink?

Should I be worried that I’m too fat, even for “likebiggals”?

Stop the madness.

The online dating profile I’d like to post…

About me…

I’m a middle-aged woman who spent 30 years putting others ahead of myself, and my body shows it. Just call me neglected. I really can’t say what I’m looking for in a man because I would have to define it in terms of the things that I hate about my soon-to-be-ex husband, and that would come across as negative. My hair is brown, but I really should have chosen “chemically enhanced” but that wasn’t a possibility. I haven’t dated since Gerald Ford was in office, when you rushed home at the end of the day to see if he called (although I do believe we had answering machines that you check remotely) and there was no Match.com, Twitter, or Facebook. If you met someone online it was while you were waiting to make a withdrawal at the bank, since there was no ATM.

About my date…

Please don’t tell me whether you see the glass as half full or half empty; I would just prefer that the glass make it into the sink as opposed to staying on the family room floor until I pick it up. I don’t really care how good your massages are. Massages I can get at the Red Door; I would prefer that you talk about needs rather than kneading.

And please don’t wink at me if you are (a) 27 years old or (b) out of town. I would prefer to have a relationship with a grownup who’s accessible (as opposed to the man to whom I was married for 30 years).

Is this the new prank?

Favorite Saturday morning activity: perusing match.com…

newest wink to me from a 50-year old man in California. A widower (awwww). With the most beautiful photo I have ever seen (seriously – if this was really a person he would have been snapped up at his late wife’s funeral. Not even kidding)

Reasons I think this individual is really 2 12-year olds who have nothing else to do:

“He” supposedly has a PhD, but doesn’t use apostrophes, proper grammar.

The picture. Really.

Last read was a comic magazine. Seriously, Mr. PhD?

Okay – I know that I might be a little suspicious, but this doesn’t add it. What’s nice is that match.com has a “report a concern” link. Sigh.

I read it in the personals…

Just a few more nuggets from my daily perusal of the mate catalog – oops, I mean personals…

“looking to meat some one to have a nice time with”

“I love to travel and I have been considering the idea of having someone that could join me in my shorts but also in my longest journey”

Seriously.

Keeping score

First – sorry that I’ve been MIA for the last week or so. I apologize to my 3 devoted readers…

As I mentioned last week, my mother passed away on May 6 after a lengthy illness. I was thinking this morning about my mom and how devastated she was after my father died 31 years ago. One of the things that bothered her was the list. The list was a running tab that she kept of money that my father “owed” her. You see, my maternal grandfather gave my mother cash every so often, and that was “her” money. She didn’t work, so I guess that was her own personal slush fund. When she would need cash for a household expense, sometimes she would use “her” money and get paid back by my father. Or not, I guess, so then she would note it on “the list.”

When he died, that’s what she had – the list.

She always regretted it. I suppose she realized that keeping track didn’t do a whole lot to contribute to the health of her marriage.

I thought a lot about keeping track in a relationship. I had some words with Mr. Ex yesterday that involved that very thing. I asked him if he had told his parents (who would, obviously, be my soon-to-be former in-laws and my children’s paternal grandparents) about my mother’s death. It was pretty much a rhetorical question, since I assumed he had. “Oh, yes,” he replied, reminding me that he had conveyed his parents’ condolences at the funeral (like I remembered…).

I put on my bitch hat. “I was just surprised,” I replied, “that they didn’t call either of the girls.”

No, I wasn’t.

He replied that I shouldn’t be; that my kids never do anything to keep in touch with them, so why should they go out of their way for my kids?

Of course, his parents have never done anything to foster a relationship with my children – not even when they were young, so why should they start now?

All of that led to an early morning thoughtfest about keeping score and how it doesn’t belong in any healthy relationship (operative term being healthy, I suppose).  Football is about keeping score; marriage isn’t. Winning and losing should stay on the soccer field and out of relationships, I guess.

The problem for me, though, is that I think my needs weren’t getting met in other ways, so keeping score was how I was forced to keep track.

When, in my marriage, did it change from that intuitive knowing that you were being taken care of to having to make little mental tick marks?

Mother’s Day

A week or so ago my older daughter noted that was some kind of cruel joke that my first Mother’s Day as a separated person also fell on Mr. Ex’s 52nd birthday.

could it be worse?

Uh huh. My mother passed away early Wednesday morning after a battle with lung cancer. We were not unprepared, but you’re never completely prepared.

We’re following the Jewish custom of shiva, which is where you open your home to visitors to pay condolence calls for a period of time. It’s traditionally followed for seven days, but we only did two. Since you don’t “sit shiva” on Shabbat, we accepted visitors on Friday after the funeral and will be again this afternoon. So now you can add shiva for mom to the whole Mother’s Day/birthday mix.

Meh.

Happy birthday

So…what do you do when it’s the ex’s birthday? Or, in my case, the STBXH’s birthday? Ignore it? Decide that celebrating his birthday is kind of like celebrating Pearl Harbor Day?

In my case I decided to send him a card. Take the high road, as it were. That was the problem.

I went to Target and headed right over to the bday cards. You know how they have those little signs at the top? For him… okay. Husband… nope. Son… nope. Friend… um, not really.

I looked for the sign that said “Former spouses,” but I couldn’t find one. And there was certainly no sign that read, “People you don’t really want to talk to so a card would be better.”

I settled for the generic, impersonal kinds of cards you would give a co-worker (although, truth-be-told, I’m way fonder of them than I am him) or neighbor.

Then there’s the problem with the sentiment. Where’s the one that quotes Charlotte in the Sex and the City movie? Where she says to Big that she curses the day he was born? That would work.

It took me way longer to find a card this year than it ever did in the past. In the past I was always able to go with the jokey kind of cards that talked about getting lucky, not asking for directions or not finishing projects in the house (how prophetic!). Or the (ick) mushy kinds about being the light of my life, the greatest guy ever born or my bestest friend.

But for an ex? Not easy, gang.

Even the really generic ones were tough; “wishing a great person a great day,” “you deserve a wonderful year,” “make it a great celebration – you deserve it!”

The problem was that, even if I could bring myself to purchase one of those, I didn’t want it to come over as disingenuous (even though we ALL know it kind of is).

I needed one that said…

It’s your birthday and I didn’t want to let it go without notice and I can’t exactly curse the day you were born because then I wouldn’t have my wonderful children who really can’t stand you right now so I love them even more so happy birthday.

Maybe I’ll get out my calligraphy pen.

I thought about the cute little cards with pups but cute didn’t seem to do the trick here. I even thought about the ones for kids with a car on them, but that didn’t seem to work either.

What would you write to the ex? Maybe I’ll start a business making cards for times like this.

Cards that would say…

Have a great year – can’t wait to see who you’ll screw this one!

It’s your birthday – do something for you (hey! that’s your greatest skill, anyway!)

Or generic ones that say nothing like…

Happy birthday to a person

Happy birthday to my children’s father

Anyway, I still needed a card. Finally I tripped over the 99 cent section. Good start. These were pretty generic, because I guess it really sucks to pay 99 cents for a card that says “All my love to the greatest person who ever lived – isn’t it terrific that I didn’t even have to spend a buck to say that?”

I settled for one of those really plain ones with a flower drawing or something like that on the front. The sentiment was equally bland. In fact, it was so bland that I can’t even remember what it said. I’m pretty sure it was something like “have a great day.” Meh, whatever.

Now, for the signature. I kind of figured that I had to do more than just sign it. Here’s where I got to be completely honest:

No matter what happens, I will be grateful that our union produced my wonderful children.

’nuff said.

Online shopping

Sorry… I mean online dating.

I think I see a problem with online dating. it’s the same as online shopping, in that you seem to have unlimited options. And it’s so easy to find choices…

The problem is that it’s hard to make a decision because you’re just not sure that something better might be just a double-click away, so you don’t commit.

I look at Jdate or Match and I see lots of men looking at my profile, but haven’t heard from anyone. I’m just another shoe style on Zappos, I guess…