The online dating profile I'd like to post...

About me…

I’m a middle-aged woman who spent 30 years putting others ahead of myself, and my body shows it. Just call me neglected. I really can’t say what I’m looking for in a man because I would have to define it in terms of the things that I hate about my soon-to-be-ex husband, and that would come across as negative. My hair is brown, but I really should have chosen “chemically enhanced” but that wasn’t a possibility. I haven’t dated since Gerald Ford was in office, when you rushed home at the end of the day to see if he called (although I do believe we had answering machines that you check remotely) and there was no Match.com, Twitter, or Facebook. If you met someone online it was while you were waiting to make a withdrawal at the bank, since there was no ATM.

About my date…

Please don’t tell me whether you see the glass as half full or half empty; I would just prefer that the glass make it into the sink as opposed to staying on the family room floor until I pick it up. I don’t really care how good your massages are. Massages I can get at the Red Door; I would prefer that you talk about needs rather than kneading.

And please don’t wink at me if you are (a) 27 years old or (b) out of town. I would prefer to have a relationship with a grownup who’s accessible (as opposed to the man to whom I was married for 30 years).

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