Are you kidding?

Just received in an email on a dating site: mmm greatest gift to my eyesight is having my eyes set on you hugs and kiss

Are you kidding? Does that work?

My, I’m trendy

Me and Courtney Cox. Uh huh.

I’m sure you’ve seen the TV ads for Cougar Town, the new ABC show starring Courtney Cox. Other than the fact that she’s looking at 40, and, for me that’s a somewhat distant memory, it’s a little spooky. ABC bills it as “a single-camera comedy that dares to tell the truth about dating after divorce.”

Nice to know that I’m in a common enough demographic that I rate a TV show.

Is it me? Is it you? Is it you?

More thoughts about online dating (I’m sorry – do I look obsessed?) . . .

I’ve decided that the only way to be successful – or, at least, to stay sane while doing it – is to not take it personally. Seriously. I mean, how personal can it be if someone doesn’t email you back based on 667 words that you write about yourself (no, I didn’t count them; I copied them in MS Word, and Word counted them)? What exactly are they rejecting? And could it be any more superficial? Match tells you to put down your favorite color. OMG – what if my perfect match rejects me because I love purple?

And how limiting are the things that you put down? For instance, let’s say I put down that I’m looking for a man who’s 48 – 63. Well, what if Mr. Perfect turned 64 last month? Will he look at that and think to himself, well, just forget it – I’m too old for her?

And now, for another question. Is it a problem for me to be making the first contact? Are men my age old-fashioned and think they have to be the ones to initiate? If that’s the case, I might as well hang it up here.

The pressure. How do you craft the perfect online profile to attract the interest of the perfect man?

Leave my dad alone…

Oy.

So, on OKCupid, you can see who’s been looking at your profile, just like you can on most any other site. Only on OKCupid they’re called Stalkers, which I pretty much love.

Anyway – I clicked on Stalkers so I could see who’s been checking me out, and I clicked on one of the men’s photo to view HIS profile. Fair’s fair, right?

Eek. Married, looking for, um, a daytime friend.

Quick – click the “Hide” button so he won’t come up on any of my searches. I am so NOT interested.

Couple hours later, I click on my inbox. I’m so excited! Two messages.

Well, one was from my buddy Kelly, who’s adorable and lives in the UK. Obviously, not a huge future in this relationship, but we like to chat.

The other one was from the married man, and said… Leave my dad alone. He’s married and lives with my mother. You should be ashamed of yourself. Stay the fuck away.

Hmmmm – looks like somebody left the browser open…

I forwarded it to the site administrators, although I can’t imagine that there’s much they’ll do about it. But it’s incredible – I feel so badly. Now, I’m the victim of marital infidelity, and my kids were in a similar situation at one time. I don’t know how old this child is, and he or she obviously doesn’t know that I’m not involved with this person – only that I innocently clicked on his profile. It doesn’t matter; I feel so badly that this child has found out that dad’s looking for something, and that I was somehow implicated. I actually felt like responding and explaining myself, but I just decided to forward the email to the site admin and move on.

And I guess that I should add to my hints for online daters: if you’re using an online dating site to cheat on your spouse; close the browser, clear the cache and set it up so that you don’t automatically log in.

Blech.

First one is over

So… I went for coffee with someone from the Internet

Dealbreakers: smoker (trying to quit), no college degree, not exactly a stable job. Lives with a friend (in the friend’s condo). Hasn’t worked since December (injury, then got a staph infection…), and I think I saw a diabetic bracelet.

Pros: nice guy, lives in my area, contacted me (and sent me a virtual rose, to boot), Jewish.

Most inappropriate part of the conversation…

He: I don’t know if I really want an intimate relationship at this time. In fact, I don’t know if I can even have one right now.

D’ya think I needed to hear that on the first encounter?

This is why I stayed married for 30 years…

Online shopping

Sorry… I mean online dating.

I think I see a problem with online dating. it’s the same as online shopping, in that you seem to have unlimited options. And it’s so easy to find choices…

The problem is that it’s hard to make a decision because you’re just not sure that something better might be just a double-click away, so you don’t commit.

I look at Jdate or Match and I see lots of men looking at my profile, but haven’t heard from anyone. I’m just another shoe style on Zappos, I guess…

Online dating

In my investigation into online dating I’ve discovered that it’s not just about choosing a site, throwing up a couple photos, writing a bio and getting dates. Nooooooo… you’ve got to market yourself.

Did you know that are numerous companies that will write your bio, choose your photos, help you with a tagline?

I need a tagline to date?

Who knew from taglines that last time I dated?

Apparently it’s all about how you market yourself. Um, excuse me, I’m not Nike. I didn’t realize that I needed a marketing department. The problem is that I tend to equate marketing with, well, telling less-than-the-truth.

Not lying, exactly. Fudging.

So, from reading the online dating tips sites, I’ve learned that you need good photos (check), a good bio (check) and a good tagline (huh?). The bio shouldn’t contain anything negative or cliches and should make you stand out in a crowd. Oy.

And, if I wanted to hire one of these companies to help me, I could pay $750 or more. Wowser. I’m so in the wrong business.

Yikes. It was easier when you went to school, met someone at a party and then dated. This is creepy.

Scoping out online dating

Okay. So the last time I dated, Gerald Ford was in office. Things have changed.

When I last dated, online dating would have been picking someone up while waiting to buy a movie ticket. Now, it’s a whole industry.

I’ve spent the last almost-six months looking (stalking?) the online dating sites. I’ve been reading profiles, looking at photos, thinking about what would appeal to me. In a purely academic way, you understand. At first I did it to verify to myself that men my age still had their hair (well, most of it, I guess) and teeth. Now it’s gotten to the point where I think I’m going to actually have to PAY for a membership so I can see who’s emailing me.

In the meantime, though, I have some thoughts about online dating. Actually it’s not really dating, I guess – it’s more like online shopping. I mean, I would expect to still actually date – y’know – face-to-face. It’s like when the signs on the road say “radar controlled speed.” It’s not really radar controlled – I mean it’s not there’s a giant sheriff with a remote stopping me from speeding (wouldn’t that be radar controlled?). And why would they want to do that anyway – then they would lose all that revenue…

Sorry. I digress.

Anyhow – I’ve been reading these profiles and I have some thoughts. Of course I do. And perhaps some tips for people posting their profiles.

1. Take a good picture. Seriously. It’s the age of the digital camera, people – post a clear picture. And not one where you took your own picture using the computer camera. Did you know that usually when you do that you’re not really looking at the camera? Really. You’re looking at the computer screen, not the camera. Does not make for a good photo.

2. I don’t care what your dog or baby niece looks like.

3. I don’t care about your car. Really. If I was I’d be looking at Carmax.

4. USE SPELLCHECK! Maybe it’s the teacher in me, but I don’t believe that I could seriously date someone who can’t spell. And learn the difference between it’s and its and your and you’re. If you have to, don’t type the profile into the web browser – type it into Word and copy it and paste it into the browser – after you’ve checked the spelling and grammar.

5. According to my profile-reading, every man over 50 loves to cook, loves to cuddle, loves to take long walks and is intelligent, hard-working and considerate. How interesting.

6. Finally – get real. You are over 50, you have considerably less hair than you used to, and a belly and ear hair. You will not find a woman who’s 35, slender and earns over $100,000. Just sayin.’