Monthly Archives: September 2008

Together/Not together

There are the big family occasions: birthdays, holidays, life cycle events. Those, I imagine, will require both of us in attendance. I want to be mature and a grown up and be able to share those events with our children, and even with each other. I mean, we MADE those children, and we should both be there to enjoy their accomplishments.

But what about the “little” family things?

Older daughter – now a wife and homeowner – planned an apple picking date this Sunday. Off to the orchard, then back to the house for apple pie making and dinner. Dad was, well, put out when she told him that she didn’t think it would be a good idea for him to attend. “Mom won’t be comfortable,” she told him.

He was surprised.

“But I thought we were going to try to continue to do family things together,” he remarked.

Well, maybe some day.

But not now.

I mean, he’s the one who wanted to be divorced…not me. And this is being divorced is; sometimes you don’t get to be part of it all.

I thought this was what he wanted.

And then there’s Rosh Hashanah this Monday and Tuesday.

One day – in the future – I sincerely hope that we can be together for the holidays.

But not this year.

The pain is too raw, and too new. It has only been two weeks since he dropped the bomb. And I can’t face him at a family event right now. In private, or in the therapist’s office, yes, but not at a family event. For 27 years we have been a family of at least three, and the pain of facing being “not together” is too fresh.

I’m sorry. Not now.


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Filed under Redefining your relationship

And I begin

To end.

On Saturday, September 14th, my husband of 30 years told me he wanted a divorce.

The story is long, as is the marriage, and you have to buy me margaritas to hear it. I’m not interested in rehashing or deconstructing a 30-year marriage here (that’s what therapy is for). I’m not interested in bashing my husband – he’s really a good guy with a lot of issues of his own. In 30 years it would make sense that both of us have made mistakes; that there have been wonderful times mixed in with the icky ones; and that there are a lot of mixed emotions in ending the relationship.

We’re not ending the relationship – we’re just redefining it, I suppose. We have two adult daughters (one married, one living at home until she goes off to graduate school this summer), so custody isn’t an issue (although we do have two wonderful dogs who will stay with the house).

He’s trying to be decent about it (as decent as a guy can be when he’s just dropped a bomb on you). He moved to temporary digs but he’s still around to help with our 50-year old house that needs lots of repair. He came by yesterday to bring me cash so I didn’t have to go to the bank.

He just doesn’t love me anymore and doesn’t want to be married to me anymore.

And that’s where I plan to begin.

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Filed under Singleness