Monthly Archives: November 2008

Communication tip

Here’s how I communicate with my STBXH these days.

I write him one email a day. I start it in the morning and save it as a draft. I title it with the date.

During the day, as things come to me, I add them to the email.

I revise it as I go.

Generally, I find that if I’m pissed off when I think of something (and I write it like I’m pissed off), by the time I actually send it I’ve managed to revise it so that I’m not so angry when I send it. Like, instead of saying, “I’m wondering why it takes an act of Congress to get you to contact the roofer about the leak that your daughter and I are living with and you’re not because, coward that you are, you moved out when things got rough,” I say something like, “I’d appreciate an update from the roofer you said you would contact last week.”

This way I’m not inundating him with emails and I have a record of everything I’ve emailed to him. And I don’t sound like such a pissed off bitch.

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Filed under Communication, Divorce tips

On creating rituals

I’ve decided that, once I become single again, I want to have a ritual of some kind. I’m not talking about a divorce ritual with my (ex)husband, we’ll take care of that by getting a traditional Jewish get. I’m talking about a ritual recognizing the transition from being married to being single – for me. I’m picturing a celebration of sisterhood, survival and optimisim – one in which I will celebrate what I had and was as a wife & mother, and where my loved women friends can express their hopes and dreams for me for the future.

Has anyone else done something like this?

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Filed under Transition

Thank you

Dear soon-to-be ex-husband,

Thank you for deciding that you wanted a divorce.

Two months after you dropped the bomb, I am in a completely different place than I was then.

I’m looking forward to my life and to no longer taking care of you.

To not having to put up with your dishonesty with others and yourself.

Because I had this old-fashioned idea that marriage was a lifelong commitment, I don’t believe now that I would have ever come to this place on my own.

So, thank you.

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Filed under Evaluating a marriage, Redefining your relationship

Can we talk about the garbage?

For all the years that we’ve lived in a home where you actually have to put the garbage and recycling at the curb (as opposed to when we lived in a condo with that wonderful invention – the trash chute), it’s been his job to put the cans out.

Well, for many of those years, it seemed like it was always such a big deal. First of all, he never did it until the morning. LIke, when I would be getting ready for work and I’d hear the big truck down the street. I would call out to him (okay, maybe I would scream…) “it’s garbage day!”

He would jump out of bed (because when you’re not really working, there isn’t any good reason to be OUT of bed at 7:00 am, I guess) and run around like a crazy man, emptying garbage cans and running out.

So, now it’s my job.

Every Wednesday morning the Waste Management truck comes. Every Wednesday, unless Monday or Tuesday is a holiday (in which case we get annoying reminder robo-calls, but I digress).

Well, I leave for work at 7:30 am, and I am extremely unwilling to get up one minute earlier than I must. I already have to get up 15 minutes earlier than I did before he moved out, so that I can let the pups out and get them fed and let them out again. And pour my own coffee because the dogs refuse to learn how to do it and bring it to me.

So, like every other woman I know, I take care of this task AHEAD OF TIME.

Really. I know. Amazing concept.

On Monday and Tuesday I already empty the garbage cans in the house (and it is amazing how much garbage two people can generate). I get the recycling ready; going through old magazines and getting rid of paper from the printer. Yesterday I even emptied about a dozen bottles of beer that were left over from a birthday party in September that have been sitting around. I figure if nobody drank them by now, it isn’t going to happen.

Then, on Tuesday I put the cans out when I get home from work. I park the car, I get out, and I move them to the curb. Before I hit the house, before I take off my coat, before I settle in for the evening.

No big deal.

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Filed under Things I never did before

Walking away from me, and walking away from responsibility

I’m realizing that he not only is divorcing me, but the dogs, the kids (who, thankfully are adults), and the house. He says to me that when he wakes up in the morning he just feels peace.

Why, of course he does.

Why wouldn’t he feel peace? He left me with the 50 year old house with the leaking roof, the barking dogs, the projects that he hasn’t finished, the garage full of his crap, his unfinished 1964 convertible in the driveway…

I asked him if he could stay at the house over New Year’s because I’ve been invited to go away with some friends. Now, I can’t really go away any other time since I’m a teacher and it’s hard to take time off during school. No, he says, he’s going away too, so I’M GOING TO HAVE TO MAKE OTHER ARRANGEMENTS FOR THE DOGS.

Note the use of I’m there…

Funny, I thought WE adopted those dogs and committed to them.

But, I guess commitments don’t mean much to him.

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Filed under Redefining your relationship

Go ahead, fire me…

At our dinner the other night, we talked about what we would be looking for in another relationship. Now, I had more pre-marriage relationships than he did, and several of them were pretty serious, given my age at the time. And since he dropped the “D bomb,” I have thought a lot about what kind of man I could see myself with.

I said that I would like someone who shares my interest in the world and in politics, and who I would find intellectually stimulating.

“You didn’t find me intellectually stimulating?” He asked.

Talk about a cathartic experience. You know how, when you’re leaving a job and you have that one last exit intereview, you can pretty much say whatever you want without fear of recrimination?

What was he going to do if he didn’t like my answer? Leave me?

“Nope,” I answered.

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Filed under Divorce is funny, Evaluating a marriage

The growing realization

In the last almost-two months, I’ve had a lot of time to think about my 30 year marriage.

I’ve concluded that (a) we were never soulmates and (b) I was not a better person for having been married to him. Really.

We went out for dinner Friday night after visiting my mother in the hospital (we still haven’t told her), and talked about that. Wow – 30 years with someone because…

1. We had been dating for several years and it was the next logical step

2. We grew up together and were comfortable with each other

3. We did have a lot in common

So, is that a failure or not? We had good reasons to stay together, but now I guess they’re not good enough.

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Filed under Evaluating a marriage