“What’s in a name? That which we call a rose
By any other name would smell as sweet.”
Romeo and Juliet
I never know what to call him. My husband. The one who eventually won’t be my husband (that is, if he ever gets around to filing for divorce, but that’s a topic for different post).
Today I referred to him (in an email to a stranger who is willing to come to my house and pick up old computers that we have no use for and that my daughter keeps running into when she pulls into the garage) as my husband. Like it was something normal. I just didn’t see any reason to tell a complete stranger that, while he TECHNICALLY is my husband, he doesn’t live here and we don’t pay bills together. We don’t sleep together and we don’t eat dinner together… So I just called him my husband. ’nuff said.
But what do I call him? I sometimes refer to him as the SoonToBeXHusband (or STBXH), but that’s a little cumbersome and a lot too support-group-forum like for my taste. And I never remember the order of the letters, so I have to silently recite “soon-to-be-x-husband” in my head when I type it. Not unlike “the silverware had a fight, the knife and the spoon were right, so the fork left” when I’m setting the table. Really. Don’t you do that? Or “spring forward, fall back” for daylight savings time. Anyway…
The ex? I dunno. That conjures up visions of an overly made up waitress or something. Dangling a cigarette and wearing tight pants and 4-inch heels.
The man formerly known as my husband? Nice, but a little too wordy. And I’m not a fan of Prince.
Sometimes bloggers refer to their partners as Mr (blog name), but that would make him Mr. Coffee, and that’s the name of a kitchen appliance and it makes me think of Joe DiMaggio, which makes me think of “Koo-koo-ka-choo, Mrs. Robinson,” which makes me think of Simon and Garfunkel. And I love Simon and Garfunkel, so I don’t want that association.
There are the obvious pejorative names, like sh**head and a**hole. But I’m not really interested in typing those words repeatedly. Or saying them. Or even thinking them when I think of him. Okay, well maybe sometimes, but not ALL the time.
I’m strongly considering FOMC, which is short for Father Of My Children. But does that imply that we weren’t married?
Which leaves me with his name, but I feel like I need something more descriptive. More descriptive, but not cumbersome and dignified (for me, the speaker).
Suggestions? What do you call your ex husband? Keep it clean, people. Help me out here – what do you call him?