Okay. So the last time I dated, Gerald Ford was in office. Things have changed.
When I last dated, online dating would have been picking someone up while waiting to buy a movie ticket. Now, it’s a whole industry.
I’ve spent the last almost-six months looking (stalking?) the online dating sites. I’ve been reading profiles, looking at photos, thinking about what would appeal to me. In a purely academic way, you understand. At first I did it to verify to myself that men my age still had their hair (well, most of it, I guess) and teeth. Now it’s gotten to the point where I think I’m going to actually have to PAY for a membership so I can see who’s emailing me.
In the meantime, though, I have some thoughts about online dating. Actually it’s not really dating, I guess – it’s more like online shopping. I mean, I would expect to still actually date – y’know – face-to-face. It’s like when the signs on the road say “radar controlled speed.” It’s not really radar controlled – I mean it’s not there’s a giant sheriff with a remote stopping me from speeding (wouldn’t that be radar controlled?). And why would they want to do that anyway – then they would lose all that revenue…
Sorry. I digress.
Anyhow – I’ve been reading these profiles and I have some thoughts. Of course I do. And perhaps some tips for people posting their profiles.
1. Take a good picture. Seriously. It’s the age of the digital camera, people – post a clear picture. And not one where you took your own picture using the computer camera. Did you know that usually when you do that you’re not really looking at the camera? Really. You’re looking at the computer screen, not the camera. Does not make for a good photo.
2. I don’t care what your dog or baby niece looks like.
3. I don’t care about your car. Really. If I was I’d be looking at Carmax.
4. USE SPELLCHECK! Maybe it’s the teacher in me, but I don’t believe that I could seriously date someone who can’t spell. And learn the difference between it’s and its and your and you’re. If you have to, don’t type the profile into the web browser – type it into Word and copy it and paste it into the browser – after you’ve checked the spelling and grammar.
5. According to my profile-reading, every man over 50 loves to cook, loves to cuddle, loves to take long walks and is intelligent, hard-working and considerate. How interesting.
6. Finally – get real. You are over 50, you have considerably less hair than you used to, and a belly and ear hair. You will not find a woman who’s 35, slender and earns over $100,000. Just sayin.’