Monthly Archives: May 2009

First one is over

So… I went for coffee with someone from the Internet

Dealbreakers: smoker (trying to quit), no college degree, not exactly a stable job. Lives with a friend (in the friend’s condo). Hasn’t worked since December (injury, then got a staph infection…), and I think I saw a diabetic bracelet.

Pros: nice guy, lives in my area, contacted me (and sent me a virtual rose, to boot), Jewish.

Most inappropriate part of the conversation…

He: I don’t know if I really want an intimate relationship at this time. In fact, I don’t know if I can even have one right now.

D’ya think I needed to hear that on the first encounter?

This is why I stayed married for 30 years…

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Filed under Creating a new life, Dating, Online dating

Observations: online dating

Some more observations.

I am just not as trusting as I thought I was. I get these winks on Match.com, and I just don’t believe that people are for real. Really not for real. I wish that I could find out if photos have been posted elsewhere on the web; sort of a search engine in reverse.

I don’t feel like I’m really getting what I paid for. Maybe it’s my age, maybe it’s the mentality of online dating. I think the problem is that people are just browsing more than “shopping,” know what I mean? I know that I do it; I look at profiles and think, “well, he would be good,” but I don’t always do anything about it. And when I have I get nothing in return; no winks, no emails.

I’m still not comfortable with how superficial it all is, for the most part. I still would rather meet someone standing in line at Jewel (do you know that I’ve stopped using the self check out for that very reason? Instead of looking at which line is the shortest, I gauge which has the most potential…).

Having said that, I do like two free online dating sites. Now, the problem with free is what the problem with free has always been. There is a certain weeding out that happens when you charge. But the fact that JDate and Match charge doesn’t really help, because all online dating sites have a free component where you can see and be seen. So, when you’re looking at profiles you don’t know if those people are paid members or not anyway. So, when my memberships are up at JDate and Match I think I may drop them, and focus on two sites that I like and that have been pretty good for meeting new people:

Plenty of Fish: The interface isn’t exactly elegant, but I’ve connected with a lot of men. I’m having coffee with one tonight and another one has given me his phone number.

OKCupid: This one is unique, and I like it. I feel like it’s more interesting; the questions are different, and the interface is lovely. If they go “pro” with a nominal monthly membership I may even go for it. I’ve connected with several interesting men in the short time I’ve been on it.

Have a great week!

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Call the anxiety police…

Should I be upset that a user named “likebiggals” viewed my profile?

Should I be happy that he didn’t wink?

Should I be worried that I’m too fat, even for “likebiggals”?

Stop the madness.

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Filed under Anxiety moments, Online dating

The online dating profile I’d like to post…

About me…

I’m a middle-aged woman who spent 30 years putting others ahead of myself, and my body shows it. Just call me neglected. I really can’t say what I’m looking for in a man because I would have to define it in terms of the things that I hate about my soon-to-be-ex husband, and that would come across as negative. My hair is brown, but I really should have chosen “chemically enhanced” but that wasn’t a possibility. I haven’t dated since Gerald Ford was in office, when you rushed home at the end of the day to see if he called (although I do believe we had answering machines that you check remotely) and there was no Match.com, Twitter, or Facebook. If you met someone online it was while you were waiting to make a withdrawal at the bank, since there was no ATM.

About my date…

Please don’t tell me whether you see the glass as half full or half empty; I would just prefer that the glass make it into the sink as opposed to staying on the family room floor until I pick it up. I don’t really care how good your massages are. Massages I can get at the Red Door; I would prefer that you talk about needs rather than kneading.

And please don’t wink at me if you are (a) 27 years old or (b) out of town. I would prefer to have a relationship with a grownup who’s accessible (as opposed to the man to whom I was married for 30 years).

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Is this the new prank?

Favorite Saturday morning activity: perusing match.com…

newest wink to me from a 50-year old man in California. A widower (awwww). With the most beautiful photo I have ever seen (seriously – if this was really a person he would have been snapped up at his late wife’s funeral. Not even kidding)

Reasons I think this individual is really 2 12-year olds who have nothing else to do:

“He” supposedly has a PhD, but doesn’t use apostrophes, proper grammar.

The picture. Really.

Last read was a comic magazine. Seriously, Mr. PhD?

Okay – I know that I might be a little suspicious, but this doesn’t add it. What’s nice is that match.com has a “report a concern” link. Sigh.

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I read it in the personals…

Just a few more nuggets from my daily perusal of the mate catalog – oops, I mean personals…

“looking to meat some one to have a nice time with”

“I love to travel and I have been considering the idea of having someone that could join me in my shorts but also in my longest journey”

Seriously.

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Keeping score

First – sorry that I’ve been MIA for the last week or so. I apologize to my 3 devoted readers… 🙂

As I mentioned last week, my mother passed away on May 6 after a lengthy illness. I was thinking this morning about my mom and how devastated she was after my father died 31 years ago. One of the things that bothered her was the list. The list was a running tab that she kept of money that my father “owed” her. You see, my maternal grandfather gave my mother cash every so often, and that was “her” money. She didn’t work, so I guess that was her own personal slush fund. When she would need cash for a household expense, sometimes she would use “her” money and get paid back by my father. Or not, I guess, so then she would note it on “the list.”

When he died, that’s what she had – the list.

She always regretted it. I suppose she realized that keeping track didn’t do a whole lot to contribute to the health of her marriage.

I thought a lot about keeping track in a relationship. I had some words with Mr. Ex yesterday that involved that very thing. I asked him if he had told his parents (who would, obviously, be my soon-to-be former in-laws and my children’s paternal grandparents) about my mother’s death. It was pretty much a rhetorical question, since I assumed he had. “Oh, yes,” he replied, reminding me that he had conveyed his parents’ condolences at the funeral (like I remembered…).

I put on my bitch hat. “I was just surprised,” I replied, “that they didn’t call either of the girls.”

No, I wasn’t.

He replied that I shouldn’t be; that my kids never do anything to keep in touch with them, so why should they go out of their way for my kids?

Of course, his parents have never done anything to foster a relationship with my children – not even when they were young, so why should they start now?

All of that led to an early morning thoughtfest about keeping score and how it doesn’t belong in any healthy relationship (operative term being healthy, I suppose).  Football is about keeping score; marriage isn’t. Winning and losing should stay on the soccer field and out of relationships, I guess.

The problem for me, though, is that I think my needs weren’t getting met in other ways, so keeping score was how I was forced to keep track.

When, in my marriage, did it change from that intuitive knowing that you were being taken care of to having to make little mental tick marks?


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Filed under Evaluating a marriage