Laura yelled at me because I haven’t been updating enough, so here you go . . .

I changed my JDate profile after my virtual meeting with E. I’ve emailed a few new men, but have had no responses. None! Sigh.

I was supposed to go to lunch with a nice man who I met on OKCupid (I’ve been out with him once for sushi already). I decided to cancel. He’s unemployed, drives a car with no air conditioning, and has a foster daughter who’s in and out of rehab. Sadly, I just decided that this is just not a road I want to travel. Does that make me callous? I’m struggling with that.

So what have I been doing that I’ve enjoyed? Painting, crafting, perusing shelter magazines to figure out how to redo my home. Cleaning out the office, throwing shit away. Taking stuff to Goodwill and getting rid of unwanted items on Freecycle. Did you know that you could even find someone to take your old hamster cage? Yuck.

The problem is that these things strike me as being so, well, solitary.

My mother was always a loner. When we were on vacation she would take the TV and put it in the doorway of the cottage we rented so that she could sit outside and watch her soaps. This, in a resort with dozens of other families. After my father died she led a very solitary life and enjoyed every minute of it. When we moved her into a beautiful assisted living facility with fabulous activities she did nothing. And was miserable because she had to eat dinner with other people.

I don’t want to turn into that. And I do enjoy being with other people.

But, wait, I am with other people. I’m not eating dinner at home one night this week. My evenings are filled with dinners or happy hours out with friends. So what’s the problem?

Is it just that there isn’t anyone at home? Someone special?

This trying to figure out what you want stuff sucks. The options are almost overwhelming.



Filed under Transition

3 responses to “Update

  1. montrealbabe

    You will never be like your mother – you’re to involved in things – but I know what you mean. It will soon be 2 years and I’m still in the place you’re at now.

  2. coolmathteacher

    love that you’re bringing Laura into this whole thing!
    you are not your mother….you drink better than she did 😉

  3. Kaye

    I’m not sure one “turns into” a loner. Being an introvert is not a preference any more than homosexuality is a preference.

    I have always been an introvert, and I can strongly identify with your mother’s need to be social when she wanted, and alone when she wanted. Forced socialization is draining for us introverts, while solitude is restorative.

    It seems to me if you want to be around people now, you’ll be able to enjoy that later as well.

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